ILEDEJA

The short answer is no.

Not because I don’t love my child. Not because motherhood is miserable. Not because I wish my life were different.
My “no” has nothing to do with her – and everything to do with the world she has to live in.

People talk about kids like they’re accessories. Something cute to dress up. Someone to make you happy. A little person to post on Instagram.
But I don’t look at my daughter like that. I look at her as a human being I brought into this world – a human being with her own emotions, her own fears, her own likes and dislikes, her own dreams, her own boundaries, her own future.

And because of that, I think deeply. Maybe too deeply sometimes.

I think about how evil the world can be.
I think about freak accidents.
I think about sickness.
I think about bullying, harm, cruelty, and the way people can break a child’s spirit without ever laying a hand on them.
I think about death – mine, hers, anyone’s – and how fragile life really is.

My heart loves her so fiercely that the thought of her suffering makes me pray harder than I’ve ever prayed in my life. I pray that God keeps her. I pray that life is gentle with her. I pray that she never loses her softness, her confidence, her joy.

So when people ask, “Are you thrilled about being a mom?”
Not really.

Not in the way people expect.

The “hardest part of motherhood” isn’t the logistics. Transporting kids to extracurriculars? Easy. Buying clothes, planning vacations, feeding them? Stressful sometimes, but still easy.

The real difficulty is the weight of raising a whole human being.
The difficulty is sickness.
The difficulty is making sure they’re knowledgeable, independent, emotionally stable, and kind.
The difficulty is hoping they don’t harm others and praying others don’t harm them.
The difficulty is knowing you won’t be here forever – and one day, they’ll have to navigate life without your protection.

That’s the part that keeps me up at night.

And that’s why I question the idea of having another baby.
As you get older, you start asking: Who am I bringing another child into this world for?
Is it for me?
Is it because I want more kids?
Or is it something deeper?

That’s a conversation for my partner and me – something we’ll pray about and move through intentionally. Because it’s not just about whether you can afford another child financially.
It’s about whether you can afford it mentally and physically.
Whether you can carry the responsibility of raising another human being in a world like this.

So, do I enjoy motherhood?
No – not in the simple, surface-level way people talk about it.

But do I love my daughter?
With a depth that scares me.
With a devotion that shapes every decision I make.
With a prayer that never stops.

And maybe that’s the real truth of motherhood – not enjoyment, but endless, overwhelming love.